Apology, take two!
Chrissy Teigen has something to say about the whole mean tweet controversy, which has not even come close to going away despite her initial public apology.
First, there was the fact a lot of folks didn’t find her mea culpa sincere. Then there was the fact Courtney Stodden revealed that, far from reaching out in private as she said she’d done, Chrissy had actually BLOCKED her trolling victim in private. It was not a good look.
Related: Here’s What Courtney Said Chrissy Said In DMs
Well, one month later and the Lip Sync Battle co-host has spent a lot of time — as she puts it, “a very HUMBLING few weeks” — thinking about her savage past self. And she’s come forward with another apology, one far too long for Twitter. Even for a whole bunch of tweets.
Taking to Medium, she wrote a whole essay about how bad she used to be and why, something she has discovered about herself in therapy. The most important admission? She is feeling as ashamed as people hope she is. She writes:
“Not a day, not a single moment has passed where I haven’t felt the crushing weight of regret for the things I’ve said in the past.”
She says she’s “truly ashamed” of her “old awful (awful awful) tweets”:
“As I look at them and understand the hurt they caused, I have to stop and wonder: How could I have done that?”
As for the criticism of not having apologized to Courtney directly and in private, she reveals she’s now reaching out everyone she believes she hurt with her irresponsible mean girl tweeting:
“I’ve apologized publicly to one person, but there are others — and more than just a few — who I need to say I’m sorry to. I’m in the process of privately reaching out to the people I insulted. It’s like my own version of that show My Name is Earl! I understand that they may not want to speak to me. I don’t think I’d like to speak to me. (The real truth in all of this is how much I actually cannot take confrontation.) But if they do, I am here and I will listen to what they have to say, while apologizing through sobs.”
We have to note, she never mentions Courtney by name here. It’s unclear if she’s taken the steps to remedy that specific offense or if she’s just moving forward trying to do better with everyone else. Thus far Courtney has not weighed in.
Turning to the tweets themselves, the Cravings author addresses them all together, saying:
“There is simply no excuse for my past horrible tweets. My targets didn’t deserve them. No one does. Many of them needed empathy, kindness, understanding and support, not my meanness masquerading as a kind of casual, edgy humor.”
She then admits:
“I was a troll, full stop. And I am so sorry.”
That’s not an easy admission. Troll behavior can be very mean and ugly. But you know what? She knows exactly what she’s saying here. Going into depth about why she tweeted the kinds of things she did, she writes:
“In reality, I was insecure, immature and in a world where I thought I needed to impress strangers to be accepted. If there was a pop culture pile-on, I took to Twitter to try to gain attention and show off what I at the time believed was a crude, clever, harmless quip. I thought it made me cool and relatable if I poked fun at celebrities.”
Sadly there are a great many people doing the same thing across social media every day, making people feel terrible — not because they have genuine criticism to level for bad behavior but because, like she said, they just want to pile on just for the clout.
But Chrissy at least is now finally looking back at the results of what she was doing. It’s a difficult moment, believe us! She continues:
“Now, confronted with some of the things that I said, I cringe to my core. I’ll honestly get sharp, stabbing pains in my body, randomly remembering my asshole past, and I deserve it. Words have consequences and there are real people behind the Twitter handles I went after. I wasn’t just attacking some random avatar, but hurting young women — some who were still girls — who had feelings. How could I not stop and think of that? Why did I think there was some invisible psycho-celebrity formula that prevents anyone with more followers from experiencing pain? How did I not realize my words were cruel? What gave me the right to say these things?”
Innerestingly, she goes on to point out how this was a uniquely internet-based phenomenon, as it is with many people. The fact it’s on a screen makes it all too easy to say cruel things without a second thought toward the person who reads it.
Again, BELIEVE us, we know what she’s talking about.
She writes that despite the red flags about her behavior, she just didn’t ever see what she was doing as mean:
“I wasn’t mean in my everyday life. More than once, someone would come up to me and say, ‘You’re so much nicer in person.’ Why was that not a huge red flag? But I took it in and tossed it aside. I did book signings where girls would call me a bad ass bitch, and I’d stretch my arm toward them as they walked away, looking at my friends and saying, ‘I promise, I’m not!’”
It’s so easy to confuse meanness with just some fun joking that we’re all in on. But the subjects of it never feel in on the joke. That’s something Chrissy understands now.
“At the time, I just didn’t get it. Believe me, I get it now.”
Speaking about who she is now, many years later, she explains:
“The truth is, I’m no longer the person who wrote those horrible things. I grew up, got therapy, got married, had kids, got more therapy, experienced loss and pain, got more therapy and experienced more life. AND GOT MORE THERAPY.
Obviously a lot of Chrissy’s loss and pain was very public as well.
Video: Chrissy Teigen Talks ‘Transformative’ Pregnancy Loss On Ellen
She goes on:
“Life has made me more empathetic. I’m more understanding of what motivates trolling — the instant gratification that you get from lashing out and clapping back, throwing rocks at someone you think is invincible because they’re famous. Also, I know now how it feels to be on the receiving end of incredible vitriol. Believe me, the irony of this is not lost on me.”
She even is using this public ignominy as a teachable moment when raising her children with John Legend — specifically Luna, who is apparently a chip off the old block:
“John tells me almost every day how much our daughter Luna reminds him of me. Every day, I try to make sure she’s all the best parts of me, all the things I aspire to be all the time, but fail at sometimes. And we preach kindness to her and Miles every chance we get. Will they eventually realize there is some hypocrisy there? I certainly do. But I hope they recognize my evolution. My goal is to be so good that my kids will think this was all a fairy tale. Not the fake good. The good that has the best intentions, the good who wakes up wanting to make her friends, family, her team and fans as happy as possible. The good who will still f**k up in front of the world but rarely, and never not growing only more good from it.”
She wants to make it clear she isn’t asking for forgiveness, to be told it’s OK:
“I’m telling you this for context, not seeking or deserving any sympathy. There’s no justification for my behavior. I’m not a victim here. The subjects of your sympathy — and mine — should be those I put down.”
Along this vein, she has a very important message about growth that we want to highlight. She writes:
“We are all more than our worst moments.”
So true!!!
As far as the future, Chrissy says all she can do is try to be her best self:
“I’m going to keep working to be the best version of myself for EVERYONE. Everyone deserves better — even my detractors. And better is what you can expect from me. The world needs more kindness and love and I want to contribute to it. I’ve been on a path of self-improvement for the past decade and that path is going to continue.”
Though it sounds like she may be continuing to keep a lower profile online for the time being. She explains:
“I have so much love to give if you are open and willing to accept it. And if not, that’s okay too. That’s something I work on being more okay with every day. I know I let you down, but I hope I can make you proud. It’s been a heavy few weeks, so I’m going to take some more time to focus on things that are most important — being with my family and taking care of myself.”
Finally, she holds herself 100% accountable once more, writing:
“I won’t ask for your forgiveness, only your patience and tolerance. I ask that you allow me, as I promise to allow you, to own past mistakes and be given the opportunity to seek self improvement and change.”
Seems like a pretty fair ask to us. In fact, it seems to us something we should keep in mind going forward in this brave new world of social media scandals.
What do YOU think of this new, improved apology?? You can read the whole essay HERE.
[Image via Chrissy Teigen/Courtney Stodden/Instagram/Sheri Determan/WENN.]
The post Chrissy Teigen Says She's 'Truly Ashamed' Of Her 'Awful Tweets' In Powerful New Essay: 'I Was A Troll' appeared first on Perez Hilton.